So your a Zombie, whats that all about then?

So the Meat walks up and asks me "Alfred, you hideous scabbed beast you, what's it like to be a Zombie?" And I say "Well Meat - you don't mind if I call you Meat I hope, just my peoples word for your people - first of all thats a very impolite thing to say and second of all, let me tell you!"

This intro brought to you by cliche'd segueways llc, all rights reserved.

But to the topic, there IS a great deal of misinformation surrounding the 'life' of a zombie. Most people only know what they see or read in popular culture such as the works of George A. Romero's latest satirical gorefest, and thats a shame because the truth is much stranger than fiction.

I'm onto your games, Romero

You see, by it's very definition, a 'Zombie' is an Altered with an Agressive Type' A-Cell mutation - that is, our cellular structure undergoes constant, aggressive regenerative changes. Simply put - we can't die. A zombies entire body can shut down, but our cells just won't let us die- if an organ fails, we'll grow a new one. If a limb pops off, the socket will scab over and eventually we'll grow a new one. We're constantly growing new tissues in a painful, cancer like fashion - healthy tissue just grows and grows beyond our nutritional means to support it and unhealthy tissue is destroyed. Our bodies need fuel, constantly.

This is the cause of the hunger. The Zombies quiet agony, the constant need to take in vital nutrients and protiens to fuel our bodies uncontrolled tissue regeneration. An adult zombie can consume as much as an elephant, easily up to and beyond their own body weight in a day if agitated.

Can you imagine trying to pay for that much food?

As a result, those zombies not blessed with the wealth to stave off deformity through intensive calorie intake and plastic surgery often take on a ghastly pallor, terrible thinness, and a general mushyness of the skin as things deemed by our body as 'less important' suffer from malnutrition to feed our constantly growing organs and nervous systems.

But it's not all bad. Despite the constant near-untreatable pain, the need to consume rampent quantities of food, and the hideous physical features there are some benefits to being a Zombie. For one, it's nearly impossible for us to die. Eternal life without eternal youth, that sort of thing. Additionally, because our body will overgrow nerve-clusters, redundant brains occasionally form in our bodies causing uncoordinated phantom movements (hence the shuffling) OR if the nervous system can grow well enough, a dramatic increase in coordination and physical grace.

You HAD to know.

Yes, I said secondary brains. Secondary everything, really. No, shooting us in the head does not actually work.

So what is it actually like being a zombie? It's not so different from being a regular human, so long as I get the food I need. If I don't eat enough, it gets painful. And the hunger - I can't explain it to you.  When a zombie gets pushed to the edge, they can and will turn to cannibalism - we call it 'getting the screaming munchies'. Your best bet is to throw us some funyuns and get the hell out of the way.

If you'd like to learn more about Zombies or other Alters, please visit noted (as I just noted him) author Jeremy Varner's blog Dreams from Walnutdust, or better yet buy his book, or join the Alter's United Support Group on facebook.

Brains,

A. Zeddington