Monday, August 29, 2011

A brother gettin some work

Rise Of Nightmares Video Game, PAX 2011: Undead Spokesman Live Action Trailer Video Clip Game Trailers & Videos GameTrailers.com

A short video for some Kinect game (to be honest, not so big on Kinect, moving around burns calories) but WHATS IMPORTANT is that a brother zombies gets some face time in a non-stereotypical role.
 
Promise posts will return soon. Playing the hell out of Deus Ex.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Gamepads: A Hatred Story

Many times is the case when a AAA title comes out, it will come out on both consoles and PC, even when it is clearly intended for a console, or a console's control scheme.

Most of us PC gamers just sneer and shake our head at this, these strange apparitions that do not integrate functionally with a mouse and keyboard. What fel sorcery could possibly conjur such a thing?

Yet they exist, and occasionally I am rewarded these titles for playing other games, or as more often occurs, Steam has a really bitchin sale or i'm simply too lazy to go out and get it at a brick and mortar OR i'm interested in the multiplayer (my console is not hooked to the internet, I only have two cable lines and no, I do not haver a router.)

In these instances I am forced to either suck it up and leave said game unplayable, or attempt the deathmarch of playing said game with mouse and keyboard.

I played the first world of Super Meatboy entirely on keyboard.

We will not speak of what occured.

So, after snaffling Batman Arkham Asylum for 7.50 on steam (a game I've already played to completion twice on console but have since traded in and hey, 7.50! - Steam's impulse driven price chicainery is a topic for another day) I finally buckled down and decided to get a game pad - after I determined I sadly, could not just use my ps3 controller that is. I elected to do a little research first, which consisted entirly of Googling "Gamepad" and "bestbuy" to see if such a device could be purchased in a brick and mortar (I am not entirely accepting of purchasing physical products online yet I burn through cash like it's a source of heat on Steam, I suspect it's the part of me that balks at shipping and handling charges and my need for instant gratification.)

Taroo talay, what a day, such a product is indeed availible at my local Best Buy - a store I do not have the best relationship with due to a PC upgrade snafu that resulted in me having to purchase an entirely new desktop - and two such models are availble. The generotastic Logitech USB rumble controller, for $25, and the OFFICIAL XBOX PLASTIC DETHMONGER OF WIRELESSNESS for $60.

Guess which one I bought?

Ohohoh but the folly was once again upon me you see, for upon taking my newly aquired chunk of plastic home, I discovered upon loading my Batmantastic game and beginning it's initial play that, why, all the buttons were totally cocked to mongertown and the axis on the left stick (the movey stick) was completly reversed.

This was unacceptable. Naturally, I assumed it was a matter of tinkering in the game options, or the settings of the pad. Yet an hour later I had come to no improvement. 'BUT I SHALL NOT BE DEFEATED SO EASILY PLASTIC!' I cried alloud, startling the dog and frightening several nearby children. TO GOOGLE!

And Google, ever the nurturing mother, did not let me down. For in the wilds of the internets I was not alone, voices cried out in the darkness, their laments scrawled upon message boards throughout the web - "OMGwtf y wont this fukking thing werk!?!?!?!1" And an answer did shine from the heavens- Xpad Emulator 3.0!

A small trifle of a download, it was a simple folder with several files contained within. Instructions provided were to copy paste these files into the folder containing the games .exe, a bit of PC pseudo sorcery that would surely escape most consoletards and installer script kiddies. I was playing with the big boys now, oh yes, I could even change the gamepads settings by modifying gibberish numbers in a notepad doc.

The function of the files was fairly simple- it tricked the game into thinking you had an official Xbox dethmonger, rather than bargain bin bucko's gamepad. Also optional was another bit which supressed the fact you had a gamepad that was not infact an Xbox dethmonger from the programs sight. By combining these sorceries, Batman Arkham Asylum and Dungeon Siege 3 worked perfectly! HUZZAH!

And let me tell you, after playing Dungeon Siege 3 with a mouse and keyboard using a gamepad was a goddamned revelation. My hands were orgasmic but without the need for napkins I usually have when that sort of thing occurs.

Drunk with my newfound power to distort the games reality, I reinstalled the recently line canceled Red Faction games, determined to finally enjoy both from the comforts of my 1600x900 monitor as the glorious PC gaming master race god intended.

And if you understand narrative arcs, you of course know, this failed miserably.

I tried EVERYTHING. The controls would not come unborked. The closest I could come to proper functionality was in setting it to direct input mode, a throwback mode to the days before shoulder buttons and more than one thumbstick. Hours were spent toiling in the dark recesses of Binaries and notepad docs until at last, I admitted defeat.

What was I to do now? 2 out of 4 wasn't bad - certainly equivilant to the number of students that properly graduate from Uni these days* (*Not an actual statistic did not do the research blahblahblah). But Space Marine loomed on the horizon, a game that would surely work better with a Gamepad.

Yeah long story short I went back and got the goddamned official Xbox Gamepad which is supposed to work perfectly with everything made recently the end. Moral of the Story? Always get the official widget.

Screw you Microsoft, and Screw you Logitech.
-
Brains,
Alfred Zeddington

The official blog of Jeremy Varner
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Buy Jeremy Varner's book, damnit!
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Wednesday, July 27, 2011

League of Legends

I open my eyes after a long period of darkness. I stand upon an ancient pedestal dominated a mystical fountain, it’s cool waters glittering white with unknowable arcane powers of renewal, casting an aura of life and replenishment across the vegetation strewn ground. Beyond the pedastal is an enormous fortification of war, a great magical keep built around an enormous purple crystal. It is flanked by immense stone towers, hewn in the image of wretched gargoyles, arcane gemstones clad in their clawed hands imbued with a dark and violent light. Beside me are five strangers- strangers whose names I do not know and have never met, but their forms I have seen and known a hundred times.

Ashe, the elvanesque archer of the bitterly cold Freljord mountains, her bows and arrows formed mystically of the very ice itself. Mundo, an enormous purple brute of hulking muscle and maddened eyes, his tongue lolling uselessly from a half senseless mouth, a cruel and bloodied meat cleaver clenched in his meaty paw. Singed, an emaciated shell of a man, the hair burned from his head and brow by a hundred chemical fires, fluorescently glowing bottles of alchemical nature dangling from his many belts and pouches casting an unnatural pallor across his pale face half concealed beneath a scarf. Veigar, the comically tiny dark lord of the yordles, his magically warped visage concealed by heavily buckled blue robes and a bent conical hat, a spiked scepter clutched imperiously in his heavily gloved hands.

And today, for now, I am Warwick- once a man of science and measure, whose great cruelty and evil caused him to be cursed from humanity itself, now a slavering wolf beast. My fur is stiff and snow white, and buckled to my hunched animalistic frame are plates of armor lacquered gold. My claws are tipped in steel, my teeth daggers.

A disembodied, vaguely feminine voice booms through our universe – “Welcome to Summoner’s Rift!” Instinctively I know that across the ancient and mystical forest, and the deep cold river that cuts between it, is another such fortification, with five other champions dwelt within. They were our enemies, and I had fought this war a thousand times. I knew them not, but again I instinctively knew their forms and their powers. Amongst them was my doppelganger, an imposter. Like me, his teeth were sharp, his claws deadly. Like me, he wielded mysterious arcane powers- the ability to ignite his enemies in mystical flames, and to summon a spear of light from the heavens that would smite lesser creatures to dust with its power. But his fur was grey with a blue tinge, his armor a dull brass.

He had the classic skin. Peasant.

I instinctively knew where he would go and what he would do. As I purchased equipment for myself from the mystical aether surrounding the ancient fountain, I sent my will through the tenebrous lines that connected me to my fellow champions – there was a clicking sound, then a ping, and a point of interest flashed across our minds, in the lower right corner of our collective vision. No words were exchanged – we had never met, these people and I, but we had all fought the same battles again and again. The intention was known without thought. “Thirty seconds until minions spawn!” declares the mellifluous voice.

I raced from our fortifications accompanied by my fellow champions, through twisting and choked ancient jungle grounds, and across a deep but gently flowing river. Veigar broke off from the group, diving into a large tuft of tall jungle brush that lay along the river’s edge, utterly concealed within its dense vegetation but able to see all that occurred around him.
The rest of our squad pressed on, into the very heart of the forest on the enemies side of the river, where we lay in wait in some brush beside a copse. Long seconds pass. Silence. The voice once against thunder across the universe – “Minions have spawned.”

Soon now. I can smell him coming.

The doppelganger comes running through the woods, towards the very brush we now occupy – to lay in wait for the ancient defenders of the wood that will soon awaken to the sound of our clashing armies, no doubt. Along the three central lanes of the jungle, magically summoned minions march- petty goblins shrouded in robes and armor, wielding spiked maces and magical scepters. Chaff. A necessary resource.

The doppelganger breaks the brush and is immediately confronted by us. A dozen things happen in an instant- Mundo hurls his filth encrusted cleaver, sinking it debilitating into the doppelgangers thigh. Ashe, cool and prepared, fires a single devastating arrow, followed immediately by a volley of five simultaneously which spread from the curve of her bow like the spray from a blunderbuss. Singed barrels forward, and with shocking strength for his spry form, grabs the battered grey wolf and hurls him bodily over his shoulder, clear over our heads.

And even as he lands with a painful thump, I whirl and lash out at him with a hungering strike. My claws gouge flesh from his back, which I immediately stuff into my maw and consumed. The doppelganger slumps with a groan of pain.

“First blood! An Enemy has been slain!” The voice cries out. The imposter is dead, and the world knows I killed him. I am rewarded. An invisible sum of gold is accredited to me, to buy more weapons, to kill more.

Even in our moment of triumph we begin to retreat, falling back across the river. Alerted by the battle, a visage hurries down river towards us. Pale skin, glittering with flecks of gold- elegant charms barely concealed by her gauzy garments. Torn, ripped wings, trailing streamers of blood and bone behind them, and a beautiful face twisted by cruelty and malice. Morgana.

But Veigar see’s. And what he sees, I see, and what I see he sees. As Morgana hurls her skill shot, a virulent purple orb streaming brimstone choked smoke screams through the air like the wails of the damned, I swerve at the last moment, juking the shot. As it lazily flies over my shoulder, I can smell the stench of death upon it, and for an instant everything tastes purple. We flee to the safety of our side of the river, briefly pursued by the enemy, who eventually break off to wage war upon the lanes, slaughtering our minions in vengeance. The gank squad splits, each heading to their assumed place. Positions are called. I press deeper into the jungle- an ancient golem awaits me, and it will die.

The clock reads two minutes, thirty seconds.

This is why I play League of Legends.

Brains,
Alfred Zeddington



Alters United
The Official Site of Jeremy Varner
The Official Blog of Jeremy Varner
Buy his book, Shards of Glass!

Monday, July 25, 2011

Zombie/Alter Reviews: Captain America

I won't lie to you, it's hard to hate Captain America- err, if your a fan of comicbooks.

If your not a fan of comicbooks, you may find it corny, preachy, and just a bit infantile. But if you DO like comicbooks, it's a feel good summer action flick, wherein plenty of Nazi's are punched. How can you go wrong with that?

No, seriously. A movie starlet that is attractive. I know it's crazy right?

Also it's main female lead Peggy Carter (played by Hayley Atwell) is totally badass in addition to being attractive in period clothing, so thats a win win.

Captain America follows the tale of upright young man Steve Rogers (Chris Evans), a scrawny and unhealthy kid from Brooklyn who badly wants to volunteer to serve his country in WW2. Unfortunatly he weighs 90 lbs, has bad health, and asthma. So despite volunteering multiple times under various psuedonyms (illegally), he is countinually declared 4f - unfit for service due to physical inadequacy.

Mein Gott!

Naturally we wouldn't have much of a movie if Rogers just gave up and spent WW2 collecting scrap metal, fortunatly he is given a chance by german-accented german-scientist german (seriously they lay on the germanity pretty thick) Dr. Albert Erskine (Stanely Tucci) - who no relation to another austrian Albert E- something i'm sure - to undergo a dangerous and top secret super soldier program to turn wimpy Steve Rodgers into alpha-human Captain America.

Trimspa baby

Obviously, as this Trim-Spa before and after photo shows, the process works - CGI'd weakling Steve Rogers becomes an un-cgi'd Adonis, suitable for kicking Nazi ass seven ways from sunday. Sadly, an enemy saboteur sent by Secret Nazi weapons division 'Hydra' assasinates Erskine even as Rogers stumbles all he-manly from his science tube and detonates a bomb in the facility, destroying Erskine's research and leaving Rogers as the one and only Captain America.

America, Fuck Yeah

Unwilling to risk such a valuable investment and realizing only one soldier can't win a war, no matter how badass, Captain America is turned into a propoganda tool. The rest of the movie follows his journey from USO warbonds chorus girl to genuine action hero, which it tells in a light hearted and non-preachy fashion.


I'm not sure guys but I think he's the villain

Opposing 'Cap' is the aforementioned Hydra, led by too-evil-for-the-Nazi's super crazy Johaan Schmidt (Hugo Weaving), a german occult researcher who forcibly took an early form of Erskine's serum, becoming the powerful and disfigured (and mad) Red Skull, who seeks out ancient magical Norse macguffinry (explained in the Thor movie, countinuity yay!) to create superweapons so he can not only defeat the allies but overthrow Hitler and rule the world as a god.

Which brings me to the crux of my review: How come the Zombie always got to be the villain, Marvel?

Look, lets just get the elephant out of the room right now. We all know The Red Skull is supposed to be a zombie. Just look at him. Hell, Stan Lee's entire career has been based on writing stories about Alters poorly disguised as superhero's, and I have it on good authority Stan himself is in the closet about being one.

Stan Lee: Loving Father, Caring Husband, Secret Elf.

And I appreciate that the vast majority of Marvel's characters are positive rolemodels for the Alter community, and positive symbols for society at large that Alters are not it's enemy. Hell, arguably, Marvel has done more for the good image of Alter's in popular culture than even those atrocious Twilight novels.

I don't care if they have a positive message for vampires the books are still shit and the movies are worse

But time and time again, it's always the Zombie whose the villain. Why? Because we look different? It's not our fault. It's unethical and unpopular to villify people of different skin pigmentations, why is it different for zombies?

Look, I know your just going with continuity. You made the movie out of the source material you were given. But just once i'd like to see a story where the zombie is the hero, or at least, not the villain. Is that too much to ask? We've pretty much only got one go-to positive zombie figure left.


Brains,
Alfred Zeddington


If you'd like to learn more about Alter's read Jeremy Varner's psuedo-fictional novel, Shards of Glass, Availible digitally from Amazon, Smashworld, BN, and Diesel.

And feel free to join the Alter's United Support Group on facebook.

Brains?

Brains! Braaiinnnsssss....
-
Brains,
Alfred Zeddington

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Ruminations

'The Living Dead' isn't such an innacurate label for me, you know. Which is not to say that I am indeed, some sort of ghoul, my bodily functions having ceased and my soul divorced itself from my body. No, what I mean is - because of my condition, I'm dying, always dying. To be fair, each mortal man is always in a constant state of death - theoretically, even the incredible stable vampires can eventually die.  But what I mean is, i'm constantly dying, constantly staving off the agonys both physical and mental of the loss of self and the control of my body.

But I will never die.

There will be no end to my constant struggle, my addiction to food, my hunger. I will consume until I no longer have the means, and then suffer. But release, rest, the after life? These things are lost to me. My aggressive A-Cell makes it almost impossible for me to die. Short of painful self immolation, or the destruction of more then half my body, I can never end this existance, no matter how horrific it might become.

I'm going to eat some cereal. Maybe i'll feel better.

Brains,
A. Zeddington

So your a Zombie, whats that all about then?

So the Meat walks up and asks me "Alfred, you hideous scabbed beast you, what's it like to be a Zombie?" And I say "Well Meat - you don't mind if I call you Meat I hope, just my peoples word for your people - first of all thats a very impolite thing to say and second of all, let me tell you!"

This intro brought to you by cliche'd segueways llc, all rights reserved.

But to the topic, there IS a great deal of misinformation surrounding the 'life' of a zombie. Most people only know what they see or read in popular culture such as the works of George A. Romero's latest satirical gorefest, and thats a shame because the truth is much stranger than fiction.

I'm onto your games, Romero


You see, by it's very definition, a 'Zombie' is an Altered with an Agressive Type' A-Cell mutation - that is, our cellular structure undergoes constant, aggressive regenerative changes. Simply put - we can't die. A zombies entire body can shut down, but our cells just won't let us die- if an organ fails, we'll grow a new one. If a limb pops off, the socket will scab over and eventually we'll grow a new one. We're constantly growing new tissues in a painful, cancer like fashion - healthy tissue just grows and grows beyond our nutritional means to support it and unhealthy tissue is destroyed. Our bodies need fuel, constantly.

This is the cause of the hunger. The Zombies quiet agony, the constant need to take in vital nutrients and protiens to fuel our bodies uncontrolled tissue regeneration. An adult zombie can consume as much as an elephant, easily up to and beyond their own body weight in a day if agitated.

Can you imagine trying to pay for that much food?

As a result, those zombies not blessed with the wealth to stave off deformity through intensive calorie intake and plastic surgery often take on a ghastly pallor, terrible thinness, and a general mushyness of the skin as things deemed by our body as 'less important' suffer from malnutrition to feed our constantly growing organs and nervous systems.


But it's not all bad. Despite the constant near-untreatable pain, the need to consume rampent quantities of food, and the hideous physical features there are some benefits to being a Zombie. For one, it's nearly impossible for us to die. Eternal life without eternal youth, that sort of thing. Additionally, because our body will overgrow nerve-clusters, redundant brains occasionally form in our bodies causing uncoordinated phantom movements (hence the shuffling) OR if the nervous system can grow well enough, a dramatic increase in coordination and physical grace.
You HAD to know.

Yes, I said secondary brains. Secondary everything, really. No, shooting us in the head does not actually work.

So what is it actually like being a zombie? It's not so different from being a regular human, so long as I get the food I need. If I don't eat enough, it gets painful. And the hunger - I can't explain it to you.  When a zombie gets pushed to the edge, they can and will turn to cannibalism - we call it 'getting the screaming munchies'. Your best bet is to throw us some funyuns and get the hell out of the way.

If you'd like to learn more about Zombies or other Alters, please visit noted (as I just noted him) author Jeremy Varner's blog Dreams from Walnutdust, or better yet buy his book, or join the Alter's United Support Group on facebook.

Brains,
A. Zeddington