Most of us PC gamers just sneer and shake our head at this, these strange apparitions that do not integrate functionally with a mouse and keyboard. What fel sorcery could possibly conjur such a thing?
Yet they exist, and occasionally I am rewarded these titles for playing other games, or as more often occurs, Steam has a really bitchin sale or i'm simply too lazy to go out and get it at a brick and mortar OR i'm interested in the multiplayer (my console is not hooked to the internet, I only have two cable lines and no, I do not haver a router.)
In these instances I am forced to either suck it up and leave said game unplayable, or attempt the deathmarch of playing said game with mouse and keyboard.
I played the first world of Super Meatboy entirely on keyboard.
We will not speak of what occured.
So, after snaffling Batman Arkham Asylum for 7.50 on steam (a game I've already played to completion twice on console but have since traded in and hey, 7.50! - Steam's impulse driven price chicainery is a topic for another day) I finally buckled down and decided to get a game pad - after I determined I sadly, could not just use my ps3 controller that is. I elected to do a little research first, which consisted entirly of Googling "Gamepad" and "bestbuy" to see if such a device could be purchased in a brick and mortar (I am not entirely accepting of purchasing physical products online yet I burn through cash like it's a source of heat on Steam, I suspect it's the part of me that balks at shipping and handling charges and my need for instant gratification.)
Taroo talay, what a day, such a product is indeed availible at my local Best Buy - a store I do not have the best relationship with due to a PC upgrade snafu that resulted in me having to purchase an entirely new desktop - and two such models are availble. The generotastic Logitech USB rumble controller, for $25, and the OFFICIAL XBOX PLASTIC DETHMONGER OF WIRELESSNESS for $60.
Guess which one I bought?
Ohohoh but the folly was once again upon me you see, for upon taking my newly aquired chunk of plastic home, I discovered upon loading my Batmantastic game and beginning it's initial play that, why, all the buttons were totally cocked to mongertown and the axis on the left stick (the movey stick) was completly reversed.
This was unacceptable. Naturally, I assumed it was a matter of tinkering in the game options, or the settings of the pad. Yet an hour later I had come to no improvement. 'BUT I SHALL NOT BE DEFEATED SO EASILY PLASTIC!' I cried alloud, startling the dog and frightening several nearby children. TO GOOGLE!
And Google, ever the nurturing mother, did not let me down. For in the wilds of the internets I was not alone, voices cried out in the darkness, their laments scrawled upon message boards throughout the web - "OMGwtf y wont this fukking thing werk!?!?!?!1" And an answer did shine from the heavens- Xpad Emulator 3.0!
A small trifle of a download, it was a simple folder with several files contained within. Instructions provided were to copy paste these files into the folder containing the games .exe, a bit of PC pseudo sorcery that would surely escape most consoletards and installer script kiddies. I was playing with the big boys now, oh yes, I could even change the gamepads settings by modifying gibberish numbers in a notepad doc.
The function of the files was fairly simple- it tricked the game into thinking you had an official Xbox dethmonger, rather than bargain bin bucko's gamepad. Also optional was another bit which supressed the fact you had a gamepad that was not infact an Xbox dethmonger from the programs sight. By combining these sorceries, Batman Arkham Asylum and Dungeon Siege 3 worked perfectly! HUZZAH!
And let me tell you, after playing Dungeon Siege 3 with a mouse and keyboard using a gamepad was a goddamned revelation. My hands were orgasmic but without the need for napkins I usually have when that sort of thing occurs.
Drunk with my newfound power to distort the games reality, I reinstalled the recently line canceled Red Faction games, determined to finally enjoy both from the comforts of my 1600x900 monitor as the glorious PC gaming master race god intended.
And if you understand narrative arcs, you of course know, this failed miserably.
I tried EVERYTHING. The controls would not come unborked. The closest I could come to proper functionality was in setting it to direct input mode, a throwback mode to the days before shoulder buttons and more than one thumbstick. Hours were spent toiling in the dark recesses of Binaries and notepad docs until at last, I admitted defeat.
What was I to do now? 2 out of 4 wasn't bad - certainly equivilant to the number of students that properly graduate from Uni these days* (*Not an actual statistic did not do the research blahblahblah). But Space Marine loomed on the horizon, a game that would surely work better with a Gamepad.
Yeah long story short I went back and got the goddamned official Xbox Gamepad which is supposed to work perfectly with everything made recently the end. Moral of the Story? Always get the official widget.
Screw you Microsoft, and Screw you Logitech.
-
Brains,
Alfred Zeddington
The official website of Jeremy Varner
Buy Jeremy Varner's book, damnit!
The Alter's United Support Group
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